The following story is a dream I had of God, it changed the way I view Him and helped me realize the beauty of His grace and just how awesome he is.
I wake up, darkness is all around me. The air is cold and is penetrating every inch of my body, slowly consuming me like a cancer. This death-like cold is inescapable. My feeble attempts to warm myself are useless, the little heat I create is instantly overwhelmed by the cold that surrounds me. I come to the realization that I am utterly alone, there is no hope of escaping, there is no hope for survival. I feel like there is nothing I can do accept wait, but what am I waiting for? Does anyone even know I am here? Does anyone even care?
I pull my knees to my chest, my arms hugging them just to have something to hold. I try to console myself, I start to think of the friends I used to have, the things we used to do, and the joy I used to feel. I wonder what they are doing. I wonder why I never asked them for help. Why did I never let them know, why did I never let them in? If only I had someone to help me, if only I hadn't pushed them away. The thoughts of all of the things I have done in my life are all I can think about. All of my secrets that have never been heard, all of my secrets I was determined to remain hidden started filling my head, overwhelming me. Thoughts of failure, inadequacy, and rejection consume my mind. I can not stop thinking about all the things I should have done differently, all the wounds I neglected, all of the things I never wanted to talk about but so desperately needed to. Why did I never tell anyone? Why did I never ask for help? Why did I never let anyone in? Why did I think I could do this alone? Why did I never trust anyone? Oh how I want to rid myself of these burdens I've been carrying for so long. If only there was a way to unload, to go back, to start over, to overcome once and for all. I don't know what is worse, the sea of nothingness that surrounds me, the inhabitable cold stripping me of all warmth, or the torment of my past mistakes. Everything is tearing me apart as the voices in my head grow louder and the coldness is growing colder, my hope is fading fast. I have nowhere to go and I don't know what to do.
All of a sudden I feel a touch of warmth on the back of my shoulder. My heart starts to beat faster. From my side I roll over to discover what is going on. What is that? I squint half blinded trying to determine what I am looking at. Is that a light? Yes! A light! But where is it coming from? The light is hardly bright enough to be seen, but when all you know is darkness the smallest ray of light blinds you like the sun. As my eyes start to adjust to the light, I look around and realize the light is shining from behind a small, square, door-like panel, hardly large enough for a child to pass through it. I crawl towards the door. My lifeless arms and legs, numb and crippled from the cold, slowly scrape across the floor as I inch myself closer to the door. I reach the door, raise my hand and heave it at the door. Nothing. I try again, and again, until finally the door creeks open and crashes down to the floor on the other side.
As I peer into the opening I see a long and dark hallway, with tall walls and a ceiling that was so high I could not see the top of it. This hall was so long the end was beyond my vision but this end is where the light was coming from, I am almost positive. As I waited a little while longer I see something. "What is that?" I think to myself, all of a sudden I realize it is coming closer to me. As it keeps walking towards me I realize this creature is a man, out of my uncertainty and fear I hide from him. I pull away from the opening. I look around me and realize this place I have been for so long, the place that had left me hidden and crippled, was nothing but a small box, a whole in the wall, hardly bigger than me. All of a sudden I hear a faint but firm voice calling my name. I slump down, "Did I just hear my name," I thought to myself. I sit silently waiting to hear it again. As I wait I notice the man in the hallway getting closer. Again I hear my name, but this time it is unmistakable. I know exactly whose voice this was. Out of fear I try to hide, for now I know this man is coming for me.
I remember hearing things about this guy. As the man calls my name again I remember what I had heard about him. "All he wants to do is condemn you, he wants nothing more than to see me suffer," are the thoughts running through my head. "He is angry and vengeful and full of wrath are words I remember reading. As the man comes closer he calls my name again. Part of me wants to peer out and get it over with, but out of fear and uncertainty I remain silent and hidden. As I curl up, trying to remain as quiet as possible, the thoughts of inadequacy and of doubt fill my mind and my fear grows because I am fully aware of all the wrong things I have done, and I am scared of the punishment that I know is at hand.
As the man draws nearer I feel a warmth I have never felt before. As he calls my name again I notice a softness in his voice. As I roll over I see his face, peering in from the hole in the wall. He has an unusual smile on his face. This is not what I was expecting. I thought he would be coming with fire and a sword ready to strike me down. But he looked at me like a child looks at his mother, like an infatuated husband gazes at his wife, like a father who loves his son. He slowly reaches out his hand and, still smiling, says "Come with me." My first reaction is to pull away but for some reason I feel the urge to take his hand. As I climb to my knees every fear and every doubt made screamed at me with all its might, but over all of them I heard, in a firm but gently voice, "I love you...come with me." Even though everything that was in me was telling me to stay, was telling me this man will kill me, that this man is lying. I reached out my hand.
Instantly my mind went silent. As I looked into his eyes he smiled, even with his eyes he smiled. With my hand in his he helped me crawl my way out of the hole and into the hallway with him. As my shoulders scraped the walls and my cold flesh burned with life, I remained fixed on his face. At last! I was free! Standing next to the man who rescued me I began to cry. Not with tears of pain and sadness, but with tears of joy and freedom. The man looked at me and said, "I love you, I want to be with you forever. I want to hold you in my arms everyday, in a place where there is nothing but peace and joy and goodness. Where there is no darkness, only light. Where there is no evil, only good. Where there is no pain, only joy."
My tears are rolling in steady streams, and through my tears and sobs I tell him, "I don't know who you think I am, but I am none of these things. All I know is pain, all I know is darkness, and all I am is evil. I am not fit to be with you! I have done..." He interrupts me, and in that moment of despair, when I am about ready to tell him my deepest, darkest, scariest secrets. In that moment of complete vulnerability, in that moment of utter nakedness, He gazes in my eyes and says. "I know. All of the things you have done, I know. All of the times you turned against me, I know. All the times you thought you were alone, when you thought no one could see, when you kept it all a secret, I know." He pauses and lifts my chin, and looks me into the eyes and says, "Aaron, I know, and I love you. I have always loved you." He then wraps his arms around me and embraces me.
Jesus then takes me by the hand and we walked down the hallway together, holding hands and laughing and simply enjoying each other. I will always remember my time in the dark cramped room, but praise God I will never have to live it alone again.
I wake up, darkness is all around me. The air is cold and is penetrating every inch of my body, slowly consuming me like a cancer. This death-like cold is inescapable. My feeble attempts to warm myself are useless, the little heat I create is instantly overwhelmed by the cold that surrounds me. I come to the realization that I am utterly alone, there is no hope of escaping, there is no hope for survival. I feel like there is nothing I can do accept wait, but what am I waiting for? Does anyone even know I am here? Does anyone even care?
I pull my knees to my chest, my arms hugging them just to have something to hold. I try to console myself, I start to think of the friends I used to have, the things we used to do, and the joy I used to feel. I wonder what they are doing. I wonder why I never asked them for help. Why did I never let them know, why did I never let them in? If only I had someone to help me, if only I hadn't pushed them away. The thoughts of all of the things I have done in my life are all I can think about. All of my secrets that have never been heard, all of my secrets I was determined to remain hidden started filling my head, overwhelming me. Thoughts of failure, inadequacy, and rejection consume my mind. I can not stop thinking about all the things I should have done differently, all the wounds I neglected, all of the things I never wanted to talk about but so desperately needed to. Why did I never tell anyone? Why did I never ask for help? Why did I never let anyone in? Why did I think I could do this alone? Why did I never trust anyone? Oh how I want to rid myself of these burdens I've been carrying for so long. If only there was a way to unload, to go back, to start over, to overcome once and for all. I don't know what is worse, the sea of nothingness that surrounds me, the inhabitable cold stripping me of all warmth, or the torment of my past mistakes. Everything is tearing me apart as the voices in my head grow louder and the coldness is growing colder, my hope is fading fast. I have nowhere to go and I don't know what to do.
All of a sudden I feel a touch of warmth on the back of my shoulder. My heart starts to beat faster. From my side I roll over to discover what is going on. What is that? I squint half blinded trying to determine what I am looking at. Is that a light? Yes! A light! But where is it coming from? The light is hardly bright enough to be seen, but when all you know is darkness the smallest ray of light blinds you like the sun. As my eyes start to adjust to the light, I look around and realize the light is shining from behind a small, square, door-like panel, hardly large enough for a child to pass through it. I crawl towards the door. My lifeless arms and legs, numb and crippled from the cold, slowly scrape across the floor as I inch myself closer to the door. I reach the door, raise my hand and heave it at the door. Nothing. I try again, and again, until finally the door creeks open and crashes down to the floor on the other side.
As I peer into the opening I see a long and dark hallway, with tall walls and a ceiling that was so high I could not see the top of it. This hall was so long the end was beyond my vision but this end is where the light was coming from, I am almost positive. As I waited a little while longer I see something. "What is that?" I think to myself, all of a sudden I realize it is coming closer to me. As it keeps walking towards me I realize this creature is a man, out of my uncertainty and fear I hide from him. I pull away from the opening. I look around me and realize this place I have been for so long, the place that had left me hidden and crippled, was nothing but a small box, a whole in the wall, hardly bigger than me. All of a sudden I hear a faint but firm voice calling my name. I slump down, "Did I just hear my name," I thought to myself. I sit silently waiting to hear it again. As I wait I notice the man in the hallway getting closer. Again I hear my name, but this time it is unmistakable. I know exactly whose voice this was. Out of fear I try to hide, for now I know this man is coming for me.
I remember hearing things about this guy. As the man calls my name again I remember what I had heard about him. "All he wants to do is condemn you, he wants nothing more than to see me suffer," are the thoughts running through my head. "He is angry and vengeful and full of wrath are words I remember reading. As the man comes closer he calls my name again. Part of me wants to peer out and get it over with, but out of fear and uncertainty I remain silent and hidden. As I curl up, trying to remain as quiet as possible, the thoughts of inadequacy and of doubt fill my mind and my fear grows because I am fully aware of all the wrong things I have done, and I am scared of the punishment that I know is at hand.
As the man draws nearer I feel a warmth I have never felt before. As he calls my name again I notice a softness in his voice. As I roll over I see his face, peering in from the hole in the wall. He has an unusual smile on his face. This is not what I was expecting. I thought he would be coming with fire and a sword ready to strike me down. But he looked at me like a child looks at his mother, like an infatuated husband gazes at his wife, like a father who loves his son. He slowly reaches out his hand and, still smiling, says "Come with me." My first reaction is to pull away but for some reason I feel the urge to take his hand. As I climb to my knees every fear and every doubt made screamed at me with all its might, but over all of them I heard, in a firm but gently voice, "I love you...come with me." Even though everything that was in me was telling me to stay, was telling me this man will kill me, that this man is lying. I reached out my hand.
Instantly my mind went silent. As I looked into his eyes he smiled, even with his eyes he smiled. With my hand in his he helped me crawl my way out of the hole and into the hallway with him. As my shoulders scraped the walls and my cold flesh burned with life, I remained fixed on his face. At last! I was free! Standing next to the man who rescued me I began to cry. Not with tears of pain and sadness, but with tears of joy and freedom. The man looked at me and said, "I love you, I want to be with you forever. I want to hold you in my arms everyday, in a place where there is nothing but peace and joy and goodness. Where there is no darkness, only light. Where there is no evil, only good. Where there is no pain, only joy."
My tears are rolling in steady streams, and through my tears and sobs I tell him, "I don't know who you think I am, but I am none of these things. All I know is pain, all I know is darkness, and all I am is evil. I am not fit to be with you! I have done..." He interrupts me, and in that moment of despair, when I am about ready to tell him my deepest, darkest, scariest secrets. In that moment of complete vulnerability, in that moment of utter nakedness, He gazes in my eyes and says. "I know. All of the things you have done, I know. All of the times you turned against me, I know. All the times you thought you were alone, when you thought no one could see, when you kept it all a secret, I know." He pauses and lifts my chin, and looks me into the eyes and says, "Aaron, I know, and I love you. I have always loved you." He then wraps his arms around me and embraces me.
Jesus then takes me by the hand and we walked down the hallway together, holding hands and laughing and simply enjoying each other. I will always remember my time in the dark cramped room, but praise God I will never have to live it alone again.
This is the end of my dream, but I want you to think of your deepest darkest secrets, all of them. Go back through your childhood, adolescence, through all of the different seasons of your life and think of all the things you have done, all the things you hope no one will ever find out, all of the secrets you have been hiding your entire life and would be absolutely crushed if people found out.
Now imagine the one person you hope never discovers the secrets you keep locked up inside of you. Maybe it is your mom, or your dad. Maybe it is your boyfriend, or girlfriend or your best friend. I want you to imagine telling that person or those people who you would want to tell the least. Imagine the seemingly endless pit that forms in your stomach, the fear that consumes your whole body. Imagine the feeling of utter dread of not knowing how they will react, hoping they will still love you in the end, but realizing they may not.
Now Imagine that person telling you they love you, even thought they know all of these nasty and dirty secrets. Imagine the joy of complete acceptance and unquestionable love. That's Jesus. That's who He is and that is what He does. If you don't know Him, He knows you. If there are secrets you have never shared, He already knows, and He loves you. You cannot surprise Jesus, there is nothing He does not know, and there is nothing that keeps His love from you. All you need to do, is reach out and take His hand.
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